Dreams last for so long...

I had another really vivid colorful dream last night. For some reason I was leaving the CHP, and I couldn't decide where I was or what I was doing, so I looked up at the sky. And suddenly I was on a hill looking out over the city. I was feeling really desperate in my dream, so I started asking the sky "What am I doing here??? Where am I going???"

And as I looked out over the city a wisp of light, like smoke but heavier, began to snake up to the sky from some houses. And the clouds parted but it was still dark. The stars came out. And from each house, more wisps of light began to come up to the sky. And I knew it was God, I could feel it. I think the wisps of light were meant to be people showing faith or praying. And so I watched, and waited. And then he told me, but not audibly, 'Let this light come from you.' And I laughed, but then I looked down at my chest and this wisp of green smoky light started snaking (this is the only word for how it looked) out of my blouse and toward the sky. And then God smiled at me, but I couldn't see him. And I looked out over the city and the houses with wisps of light began to grow stronger, and I could see them more clearly. And then my light became stronger until I was engulfed in the smoky green light, but I could see clearly. I started running up a hill and I lost track of time, I didn't know where I was. I was running so fast the whole time, but I never got tired or slowed down.

When I realized where I was, I was at the top of my street. I had lost my shoes and was walking naked toward my house. I wasn't scared, I felt peaceful. There were no streetlights. I felt like I had run forever, but I wasn't sore or tired. I just walked toward my house, still covered in the green smoky light, like an aura. On my street, not many houses has this aura. And when I got home I saw that my own house was entirely dark.

This is when I woke up.

A Battle to Fight: The Enemy

Onto Chapter 8 of Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

"Every man is a warrior inside. But the choice to fight is his own."

" A man must have a battle to fight, a great mission to his life that involves and yet transcends even home and family. He must have a cause to which he is devoted even unto death, for this is written into the fabric of his being." And so goes it for men and women in today's world. We all wish we had that thing to be passionate about, but we are so distracted by all of the fancy toys and new shiny cars that we forget to listen to the message we all receive upon birth. We should acknowledge that we all have this yearning, and we should all remember it. And although it isn't always practical to live our lives slaying dragons and winning the hearts of beautiful girls and riding off into the sunset, we should embrace this hidden passion in our hearts and souls and find a way to spend the energy that takes us to that wonderful, romantic place. Chivalry is definitely not dead. All men want to be the chivalrous knight, and all girls want to be treated like princesses. But we have gotten so wrapped up in technology and the fast pace of western life that we don't care to take the time to be passionate anymore. Girls think that being a princess is about diamonds and bling, and guys think this is what all girls want in return. Any guy that gets the door for me earns a million more kudos than a guy that tries to wine and dine me. To hell money and cars and fancy clothes. Stop being a hero and be my hero. Please.

It's interesting that Eldredge brings up this concept, because it is one that I think about all the time. He says that 'your flesh is not you... Your flesh is not the real you." He goes on to discuss that we all have good hearts, and that we all have wonderful intentions. Although even when we decide to 'be good' today, there is always some challenge that seems to defer us from accomplishing just that. Why is that? Why do I feel that my heart and soul are not attached to my body sometimes? And why do good people often fail, or do terrible things? How can we overcome this? Eldredge says "Shoot the traitor. Walk right into those situations you normally run from. Speak right to the issues you normally remain silent over. If you wan to grow in your true (masculine) strength, then you must stop sabotaging yours." Every time that we stand by while we feel wrong about a situation, it kills a little bit of the 'real us' and suppresses all of the good intentions we all possess. This goes for both women and men. I think more so for women than men. Girls seem to only care about things that boys like them to care about. When a woman remains silent and keeps her bright mind quiet, she will never find the man who loves her wit and intelligence, but be forever stuck with duds who just want them to look pretty and keep quiet. Eff that I say! *evil laugh*

The problem for me is that I know where my opinions lie, where my intellectual interest is. I just don't know where to find my passions. What is it that I am living for? What is 'my calling,' what is it that my heart desires? I am luck to have love now, because that is more than enough to keep me interested in life, but I am not a whole person without some kind of passionate interest. Love does conquer all, but it does not heal all wounds, or provide me with complete spiritual excitement and self awareness.

"When you deny anger, it turns into fear."

"The world is not a place or a set of behaviors - it is any system built by our collective sin, all our false selves coming together to reward and destroy each other. The world is a carnival of counterfeits - counterfeit battles, counterfeit adventures, counterfeit beauties. Men should think of it as a corruption of their strength. The world offers a man a false sense of power and a false sense of security.... Where does your own sense of power come from? Most of us have actually been afraid ot let our strength show up becaus the world doesn't have a place for it. Fine. The world's screwed up. Let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it."

This reminds me of the computer story at SHSU. Rob you know what I am talking about. ^^ we did the right thing, and it felt pretty good hey?

Anyway.. I can really only take it one chapter at a time because I like to think about it lots and come back to it with a clear head. I am going to mail this book to Dennis when I have finished the last couple of chapters because I think he will really enjoy it and I hope it provides him some soul searching insight. He really needs someone to say these words to him now, but I am hardly comparable to Eldredge, so I think it best if I just mail him the package myself. Dennis, if I send you this, you had better read it boy!

Anyway, hope all is well in internetland. Peace and love.

I just don't know what to do with myself

So.. Am home and settled, laundry is done. I am really jittery and anxious. I always do this every time I go away, I come home and feel some sort of withdrawls. I told Rob I think it's because I'm only happy when I'm on adventures. And there is no adventure here for me anymore. Just family and familiar faces, and the same old BS and gossip and people I'm sick of being around. The only thing that I really love here is my job. I could leave tomorrow and not feel sad about leaving anything behind. My family, but they are more fun to visit to be honest. I just don't know, I just don't know.

Part of me says to suck it up and stay here, and work, and tough it out. The other part of me says...transfer to Van, forget about school, forget about what people think of you, and just go and BE. A new city, a new adventure. I could be closer to Fergil, Ed, Adrienne, Lindsey, Min, and others who I miss dearly. I could wake up to adventure. And be independent. I am tempted to look on Craigslist and see what I can find.... I was going to go for a walk with my camera today but now it is colder, it might rain this afternoon.

Any advice anyone? When you wake up and are already dreading the rest of your day? Ugh, back to square one. At least I know why I'm unhappy.